Category Archives: Bars & Lounges

Turning 28. Or How I Threw Myself a Quinces to Relive My Youth

As I approach my 28th birthday and inch closer and closer to 30, I can’t help but feel nostalgic for my youth. Usually, when this happens (which is coincidentally when I’m about to become another year older), I take a hard stop and focus on my life in 2002. My freshman year of high school was in full swing. I was crushing it on the social front. Justin Timberlake released his first solo album, which I effectively cried many rivers over. Eminem came out with 8 Mile, inspiring a defense mechanism I still use today (pointing out my own flaws before haters can do so first) and…. turning 15. Yes, that beautiful age where every Cuban girl gets her first acrylic manicure, picks out the biggest tiara she can find, throws on a massive pastel colored dress and has herself a Quinceañera.

While I do have photographic evidence of myself wearing a gown, sporting blinged out headgear and rocking gaudy nails, I unfortunately did not have a traditional Quinces fiesta. No court of 14 guys and gals. No choreographed dancing to Chayanne’s “Tiempo de Vals.” No candle lighting ceremony. No magnificent banquet hall entrance. I did, however, have a bangin’ surprise birthday party that was pretty much the social event of the school year. It was in a fancy backyard (fancy = having a pool). There was a hired DJ that played Jagged Edge and Blu Cantrell’s finest. There was tons of mature slow dancing. And almost my entire 9th grade class was there. Oh, except for my crush who was actually in the 8th grade. Because apparently that’s what Lourdes of yesteryear was into. ANYHOW, the point of all of this is that I always wanted the full-blown Quinces experience. So, upon approaching the big 2-8, I thought this would be a good a time as any to cling to the last of my 20s and do just that.

I emailed my favorite bar, reserved some space, invited 70 of my closest friends and demanded that everyone glam up for the sequel to the most important birthday that I never executed properly. And it was pretty damn phenomenal. Probably (no, definitely) better than anything I could’ve pulled off at 15. I was bought a Justin Bieber piñata, which I smashed to bits with a stiletto. Pastelitos and pan con mantequilla were my snacks of choice. My chosen “recuerdo” were mints that said “Mis Quince Años.” And I should really be Disney’s first Latina princess because my Goodwill gown, pearls, white gloves and tiara were ON POINT. It reminded me that getting older after 25 isn’t a yearly death sentence. It’s something that should be celebrated in the most elaborate of ways. All in all, it was the absolute perfect way to kick off 28. Lord knows that 2002 needed a break from the memory bank.

De niña
De niña…

 

a mujer
…a mujer.

My Favorite Miami Bars & Lounges (That Cause Me to Make Poor Life Choices)

LourD at BroJs.

Brother Jimmy’s

My very essence has become so synonymous with this place that it’s kind of sad, really. I’ve had some highs. Like slaying at impromptu flip cup games, killing it in karaoke, becoming besties with some of the employees and watching the bouncer body slam someone that got out of line. But there’s been lows, too. Like witnessing some epic douchebaggery, having my feet practically bleed on Cinco de Drinko due to a very poor shoe game, random acts of crying and unpleasant bathroom visits. But, through it all, this will forever remain a mainstay. Bad experiences be damned.

Blackbird Ordinary

My dubious behavior at Blackbird has been well documented, so it should come as no surprise that it’s included in this list. A friend once dubbed it “black hole,” because that’s what your life feels like after a night of drinking there. Of course, I immediately co-signed that sentiment. Basically, nothing good ever happens to me at Blackbird after 2 a.m. I’ve attacked people with my mouth, participated in numerous dance-offs, had one too many #realtalks in the women’s bathroom and fallen for some OH SO STUPID pick-up techniques. But I’ll still continue ending many an evening there. Sorry that I’m not sorry.

Fado

This one is really just due to the close proximity to Blackbird and Brother Jimmy’s. It’s almost as if by osmosis that I’m compelled to act a fool. Almost every single time that I saunter into Fado I transform into the Hispanic version of Lil’ Jon and start demanding shots. It should be stated that shots aren’t simply my downfall, they are my LIFE RUINER. Multiple rounds of Fireball should never be trusted, much less accepted. Also, I don’t appreciate the fact that I have to safely descend a full flight of stairs in order to get to my next destination. Especially since I look like a newborn baby elephant when trying to achieve that feat. Seriously, a bar on a second floor? NO. ME. GUSTA.

Purdy Lounge

Dirty Purdy, how I love dropping it low within your musty walls. If my vagina isn’t touching the floor at all times, it hasn’t been a successful evening at this particularly ratchet establishment. Once upon a time, I would straight up act like The Terminator up in this piece. Set my sights on a target and simply attack. I’d like to think that I’ve grown wiser and classier with age, but it’s probably just because everyone that now comes here is a fetus, and cradle robbing has never really been my style.

Radio Lounge

The first time I ever set foot inside Radio Lounge, I made a beeline for the pool table. No, not to play, but to dance on top of it. I had a good run before they escorted me off. Plus, someone made it drizzle some dolla dolla bills on me. From that moment on, it became a tradition of sorts to have me dancing on top of that thing. Cue the first few notes of any 2 Chainz song and there I went. But, Radio Lounge has suffered some changes. The last time I went it was filled with a crowd that made me sad to be alive. Instead of a DJ, I got someone playing music from their computer (which is kinda what DJs are anyhow, but whatever). And that beautiful elevated surface that I used to call my very own was now covered and certainly off limits. It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.