Category Archives: Celebrities

The New Top Five

We all have a top five. You know, that list of celebrities that your significant other would “give you a pass” to sleep with. Or, if you’re a singleton, just five celebrities that get your lady or man bits tingling. And while my top five has changed significantly throughout the years (previous spots have been filled by the likes of Shia LaBeef, Mark Wahlberg in Fear, Chris Noth, Ryan Lochte during the Olympics, Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew Fox circa LOST), two gents have always filled two of the coveted spots – Ryan Gosling and Justin Timberlake. What can I say, The Mickey Mouse Club just did it for me. But, it’s time that I face the music and realize that I’ll never be able to compete with gals like Eva Mendes and Jessica Biel. So, I’ve decided to come up with a new and improved top five filled with celebrity candidates that I would possibly? maybe? have a chance with.

Behold, the famous men I actually think I could snag:

1. Pitbull

If only for that time that I saw him in front La Carreta on Bird Road when the Miami Heat won the 2006 NBA Championship. As someone that has been described as “the most Miami person you will ever meet,” shouldn’t I include the most Miami man of all time in my list? Plus, he wears pastel color suits LIKE. A. BOSS.

2. Lil’ Wayne

First of all, he needs to add a Latin baby moms to his roster. Second, I can certainly help ease him through this painful break-up with Birdman/Cash Money Records. And finally, that guy drips swag. Whatever, I get it, HE HAS FACE TATTOOS. And he dissed LeBron and Wade that one time. And he’s awkwardly obsessed with skateboarding all of a sudden. But he invented “drop it like it’s hot” and “bling bling,” and for that, he’ll get broken off a piece of this Kit-Kat bar.

3. Ed Sheeran

That ginger hair. That British accent. THAT VOICE. He is ugly as sin, but there are no fucks given over here. His talent more than outweighs the physical. Plus, being with him is a one-way ticket to a best friendship with Taylor Swift.

4. Bruno Mars

The tiniest of nuggets, he is precious beyond words. Tell me you haven’t wept at the glory that is “Uptown Funk” or “Locked Out of Heaven” or “Treasure.” If you said you haven’t, then…. you’re tacky and I hate you. His talent is so strong, I simply can’t control my urges. Please don’t judge me.

5. Aziz Ansari

He’s besties with Kanye West. Inspired me to go see R. Kelly in concert (beyond my own need to watch Kells perform ” I Believe I Can Fly” live). And gave everyone the excuse to treat themselves. Oh, and he’s fucking hysterical to boot. We’d make some really ethnically diverse and unique looking babies, so this is a union that kinda sorta needs to happen.

There’s Something About Cameron

We all need role models. Someone to guide us. To provide invaluable wisdom. To teach us right from wrong. Usually this person is found in the form of a friend or family member. But, I can’t help but mold myself after celebrities. It’s awful, I know, but I really HAVE learned some great things over the years. Like always wear underwear. Never shave your head and wield an umbrella as a weapon. Don’t date John Mayer. And so on.

So when it comes to my single life, I really consider Cameron Diaz my bitch. She rose from the ashes of her relationship to A-Rod. Weathered the storm of a fauxmance with Diddy. Kept on after losing hot tottie Justin Timberlake to queen of the basics, Jessica Biel. And never once did I think, “look at poor, single, lonely, desperate Cameron Diaz.” Because she EMBRACED her single status. She had zero fucks left to give about the men she left in her wake. She refused to be portrayed as thirsty for love, a role that Jennifer Aniston has perfected.

Now, at 42, she marries Benji Madden after seven months of dating. No pomp. No circumstance. Just a fitting ending for a badass like her. She had her fun, she set the terms and she finally settled down. It wasn’t a sprint to the aisle because of her age or because of societal pressures. With that body, that bangin’ personality and that talent, she could’ve been wifed up AGES ago. Whether she’s married for the rest of time or gets divorced next month, she’ll always be a single lady icon for the ages. An inspiration to us all.