Category Archives: Dating

He’s No Item. Please Don’t Like Him.

I’ve been a bad friend. I’ve gone against girl code. I’ve hushed the rules of feminism. I have literally driven people to the brink of unfriending me (IN REAL LIFE). All because I possess this pesky little thing called feelings. They’re of the lustful variety. The absolute worst kind to have. But, you know, I can’t help them.

There is nothing more frustrating than knowing something is bad for you and not being able to help yourself. But, it’s the feels. They come around when you’re with your cuddle buddy on the low. They tell you that everything is perfect and magical. Then, before you know it, said cuddle buddy is back to their typical douchebaggery and you’re forced to face the friends that you have disappointed. They say they aren’t judging. They say “do you.” But every interaction with them becomes much harsher. You can see them getting bored with you.

So who do you listen to? Ultimately, you listen to yourself. And, if you’re anything like me, that little voice inside is saying to put distance between yourself and the situation. It’s saying to run away to another continent for an extended vacation. It’s saying to travel across the country and set up shop… permanently. There’s only one problem. There’s a possibility that those pesky little feelings will most certainly follow.

The Sexy Jams Playlist

Most people have a soundtrack for when they get down to business. Whether it be the background noise on the TV, straight up silence or a carefully crafted Spotify playlist, everyone likes creating a certain type of atmosphere for sexy time. For those that are fans of climaxing with musical accompaniment, I’ve put together a list of my recommended sex jams. PS – these are songs I would actually want to hear during a moment of seduction, so no “I’ll Make Love to You,” “I Wanna Sex You Up,” or “Bump N’ Grind.” Those would just cause raucous laughter.

1. “Rocket” – Beyoncé

Because who isn’t instantly ready to rumble when they hear the first line of this song? “Let me sit this aaaaaaass on you.” Yes to sitting. Yes to ass. Yes to everything.

2. “Pony” – Ginuwine

The ultimate boner jam that you’ve (literally) been riding to since high school.

3. “Doin’ It” – LL Cool J ft. Leshaun

The perfect blend of sexy and raunchy, forever giving you the power to call a guy “daddy” in a totally non-creepy way.

4. “Often” – The Weeknd

Let’s just put it this way… I can’t listen to The Weeknd at work anymore.

5. “Thinkin’ Bout You” – Frank Ocean

Smooth as butter. Or lube. Whatever, it’s a good freaking song to boom boom to.

6. “My All” – Mariah Carey

The first song I ever heard that had me questioning the tingling sensation in my lady parts.

7. “Adore You” – Miley Cyrus

Say what you want about ‘ol girl, but this song will arouse you in 2.5 seconds. Best played when sexing someone you really care about. If only for all the L bombs that she drops throughout.

8. “The Worst” – Jhené Aiko

Because hate sex needs a soundtrack too.

9. “Bad” – Wale ft. Rihanna

The bad bitch anthem that doubles as an amazing sex tune. There’s even a creaking bed in the background. If that’s not a direct instruction to take someone to bed, I don’t know what is.

10. “Body Party” – Ciara

Complete with a “My Boo” sample, this song just drips raw sexuality.

11. “Red Light Special” – TLC

No one makes #sexual music for women quite like the gals of TLC.

12. “Nice & Slow” – Usher

Tell me you don’t ~feel something~ when Usher starts spelling his name mid-song.

13. “Un-thinkable (I’m Ready)” – Alicia Keys

If you’re finally ready to take your courtship to the next level, this is the perfect song to ease into that transition.

14. “Crave You (Adventure Club Remix)” – Flight Facilities

For when you finally get that unrequited crush between yo sheets. Although that whole “dripping in gold” part could certainly be misinterpreted.

15. “Toma” – Pitbull ft. Lil’ Jon

When you just want to get down and dirty with the quickness.

16. “Anywhere” – 112 ft. Lil’ Zane

This song is pretty much a sex tutorial that everyone over the age of 17 needs to listen to immediately.

17. “My Neck, My Back” – Khia

If you’re in a particularly filthy mood, Khia’s aggressive vocals will let your partner know how you’d like for them to throw down.

18. “Give It To You” – Jordan Knight

Your sexual awakening happened to a song by an ex-member of New Kids on the Block. #dealwithit

19. “Gorilla” – Bruno Mars

Let Bruno Mars’ angelic voice be your guide as you bang, bang all you damn well please.

20. “Studio” – Schoolboy Q

No metaphors, just straight to the point grinding.

21. “Hands Down” – Dashboard Confessional

For the throwback emo kid in you.

22. “SexyBack” – Justin Timberlake ft. Timbaland

I mean, does this one even NEED an explanation?

Let’s Play the Text Game

Most days, I consider myself a confident lady. Other days, I’m more of what I like to call “an absolute wreck of a human.” Sometimes, on very rare occasions, I can be both at the exact same time. And that rare moment actually caught me by surprise yesterday.

It started when one of my favorite gal pals was agonizing over whether she should text a guy first. They had a great weekend together, he had mentioned having dinner the following week and now she wanted to follow up. But he hadn’t texted in a few days and she was afraid that he had either lost interest or would “scare him off.” They’re silly thoughts, but ones that all of us tend to have. So, of course, my advice to her was to text the goober. I told her to be bold and go after what she wanted. After a few more excuses on her part (the possibility of rejection is SCARY, okay!), she relented and texted him later that night. And wouldn’t you know, he had been thinking about her, too. Their dinner has been formally scheduled.

While I was GChatting her off the ledge of #foreveralone, I was having my very own crisis. The problem was pretty much the same. Do I text the guy first? However, the terms were completely different. Dude and I hadn’t spoken in five months. Things had gotten awkward between us. And I kept questioning if this was really the right time to tear down that Berlin Wall. So, with the helpful nudging of a different favorite gal pal, I went for it. It should be said that I got ridiculously worked up about this. I immediately regretted that I couldn’t blame my decision on alcohol. I couldn’t bear to look at my phone in the case that the response (or lack thereof) would be less than desirable. I went as far as starting a video chat with my aforementioned friend so she could look at my phone screen and tell me whether I should be freaking out or not. Seriously, I was behaving like someone who needed their meds adjusted.

You see, confident while advising friends. Absolute wreck advising myself. But as I stand smack in the middle of sane and psychotic, I always manage to learn something. In this particular instance it was that the millennial “text game” is pretty damn stupid. You want to talk to someone? Just fucking do it. Don’t agonize about what they’re thinking. Don’t act disinterested to protect yourself. If they don’t respond or don’t reciprocate your feelings, you’ll find a way to move on. Don’t let the “do I text them first?” question plague you.

Dicknotized: 12 Steps to Getting Over Your Addiction to “the D”

We all suffer from an addiction to SOMETHING. Alcohol, money, Katy Perry music videos, drugs, exercise, throwing shade, power, etc. But my personal affliction and those of many other gals is an addiction to “the D.” Akin to “putting the pussy on a pedestal,” our thirst for male companionship is oh-so real. So, I’ve adapted the popular 12 steps of addiction for all those aDICKted ladies.

1. Admit you are powerless over “the D.” Your thirst has become unmanageable, embarrassing and a detriment to living a shame-free life.

2. Come to believe that a “Power” greater than yourself (usually Oprah) can restore you to sanity and steer you to the land of eternal hydration.

3. Make a decision to turn your will and life over to the care of “God.” Or, you know, whatever deity you so choose. Again, the gospel of Oprah is here for you.

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory. Otherwise known as going through your memory bank and thinking of all the times you shame spiraled after a sexual encounter gone bad.

5. Admit to yourself and to others (usually your poor friends that can’t find you at the bar because you went off chasing some random) the nature of your wrongs.

6. Be ready to remove this defect of character. Maybe don’t respond to that 2 a.m. DTF text message. Don’t pound Fireball shots when you’re emotionally fragile. Don’t go chasing waterfalls.

7. Humbly ask “Her” to remove your shortcomings. If Oprah attempted to fix Lindsay Lohan’s hot mess of a life, she can surely do the same for you, right?

8. Make a list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to amend them all. This includes all the friends you ditched to bang one out with your slam piece, all the dudes you never texted back and your gynecologist, who really shouldn’t have such a consistent patient.

9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible. There is never a bad place to apologize for your parched behavior. Make like Nike and JUST DO IT.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and admit when you’re wrong. We all slip up. I mean, you might go back to your ex-hookup that knew how to put in work. Or you’ll mercilessly tease that guy friend you randomly slept with for not putting in enough. Just admit your wrongdoing(s).

11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with “God.” Should prayer, meditation or marathoning The Oprah Winfrey Show not prove effective in curbing your addiction, masturbation might also work.

12. Carry this message to others that suffer from this affliction. Preach it loud. Preach it proud.

Are You Gonna Write About Me?

If you’re dating, sexing, casually talking to, accidentally looking at or breathing in the general direction of a writer, odds are… they’re gonna write about you. And they’ll either record your encounter in painstaking detail or compose a fictionalized version of you. Regardless, you’re gonna get put in print. It’s a fact of life. We don’t mean to, but more often than not, we write what we know.

So ever since I became a little less shameless and decided to publicize my life on the Internet, I often get the question, “are you gonna write about me?” Usually, this is asked by someone that is ABOUT to do something incredibly shady or just has. What I’ve learned is that people love to see themselves in the spotlight. Whether it’s positive or negative coverage, they have no fucks left to give as long as they’re being written about.

Lately, however, I’ve been getting confronted by the people I’ve ALREADY written about. The ones I never thought I would see again. Which, my fucking bad. Because Miami is literally the size of my abuela’s house and everyone knows everyone’s business. Also, I legit hang out at the same three places, so I don’t know why on Beyoncé’s green earth I thought I’d be in the clear. So, instead of “are you gonna write about me?” it’s slowly morphed into, “so… you wrote about me.” The question is then followed by an ever-so-brief moment of embarrassment, which is mostly just me acting painfully awkward and the other person thinking they deserve an explanation. Honestly, what am I supposed to say? “You acted a damn fool and it was my duty to put you on blast.” Actually, I should TOTALLY be saying that instead of responding with a half-hearted shoulder shrug.

As much as I hate to admit it, I fancy myself as a literary Taylor Swift. Someone with an insatiable need to write about their long list of ex-lovers (see: not that long at all, actually). So, consider this my final declaration on the subject. YES, I’m going to write about you. YES, I did write about you. BUT, you’re in great company. Jake Gyllenhaal, John Mayer and Harry Styles have been written about, too.

 

The “Above All Else” List. AKA My Relationship Must-Haves.

I think about relationships a lot. It’s a sickness, really. So naturally, I recently got to pondering what I need above all else in a relationship. Those must-haves in a partner that help you decide whether you want to continue a union or not. Consider it the “what you got” that will make me “fuck with you.” And while a few years ago I would’ve ranked “great job” and “good family” pretty highly, now I wonder if they’re seriously THAT important to me. Sure, they matter, but are they worth more to me than “makes me feel comfortable” and “makes me laugh to the point of tears”? So, I decided to create my “above all else” list, the things that I simply cannot live without when it comes to making U + ME an US.

1. COMFORT

To me, comfort means more than just the freedom to “be yourself” (as I’ve never really had an issue with that). It means hanging out with someone with absolutely no frills. Someone that I don’t even have to put makeup on for. Where farting and burping and other bodily functions don’t phase them, no matter how long you’ve been seeing each other. Basically, there’s just absolutely no bullshit going on. They accept you wholeheartedly, no matter how many quirks you possess.

2. LOVE ON TOP

Beyoncé sang about it for a reason. I never want to be the girl that whines for attention. Or pleads with you to stay in for the night. But if you forego drinks with ~the boys~ to watch a Law & Order: SVU rerun with me, that certainly speaks volumes. It also shows your commitment to Detective Olivia Benson, which is obviously another plus.

3. AMBITION

You don’t have to have the best job, you just have to be the best at it. You gotta take a page from the book of Rick Ross and hustle every damn day. You’re the BAWSE of your destiny.

4. HUMOR

I know this is a pretty obvious one. Like, who wants to be with someone that doesn’t like laughter and happiness? But NOT having a sense of humor is an absolute deal breaker for me. Nothing is more attractive than someone that’s clever and willing to laugh at themselves/make light of serious situations. Bonus points for finding me super hilarious, too.

5. AGREEABLE

No, not being a doormat. I can buy one of those at Target. But someone that doesn’t constantly feel the need to fight me on everything. Willing to compromise, never makes a big muss or fuss. Oh, and someone that can chill me the fuck out, because I’m as high-strung as they come.

6. POP CULTURE SAVVY

I’m pretty obsessed with pop culture, so anyone that understands my obscure television/movie/music references is baby daddy status. And, as I am NOT of the school of thought that opposites attract, those that don’t fit this bill are oftentimes (see: always) dismissed.

7. CAN THROW DOWN

Women have needs y’all, so sexual compatibility/attraction is a MUST. Homegirl over here needs someone that’s gonna put in work. EVERY. DAMN. TIME.

A Single Shade of Gray

The wise Charlamagne Tha God once said, “if you smash a girl three times, you’re in a relationship.” To me, truer words had never been spoken. Obviously, not a relationship in the traditional sense, but SOME sort of union. Whether you want to define it as “hanging out,” “talking,” “hooking up” or whatever other term millennials throw around to describe what or who they’re doing, you’re bound by the rule of three. Personally, I don’t immediately catch the feels, but I think three encounters is a good measure of whether I want to pursue something with you. And if you’re willing to make me not once, twice, but three times a lady, then I’m gathering this little thing we’ve got going on is something you want to continue, too.

But, the tough pill to swallow is that not everyone thinks like me and ol’ Charlamagne. Because what the man children and douchebaguettes of my generation love to do is place romantic potentials in “the gray area.” A place much worse than the friend zone, the gray area rids these people of all fault and blame when they decide to act a fool (no matter how many times you’ve been together). It’s where they place you when they hook up with someone else and then claim, “but I told you I didn’t want a relationship.” It’s how they get away with leaving the bar with another girl in tow and then saying, “it’s not like I’m your boyfriend.” It’s their excuse to rid themselves of resposibility one minute and act like you owe THEM something the next. Seriously, who needs 50, when we already have this little miserable shade of gray?

And people that do this are really the fucking worst. They keep you hanging on a string and then hide behind “being honest” to not look like the bad guy in the situation. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is free to do whatever makes them the happiest of pandas, but cut the cord if you truly don’t want to be with someone. Don’t keep them around because you’re bored or waiting for something better to come along. Don’t let their vagina get attached. Don’t hurt their feelings when they’ve done nothing to deserve it. And for the love of God, get them the fuck out of the gray area and into black or white territory before they “Gone Girl” the hell out of you.

Love or Something Like It

An old friend recently asked me for my thoughts on love and romance for a documentary he’s filming about the concept of joy. He explains the premise a lot better than I can, so… I won’t even bother. But, what a terrifying question to be asked at the tail end of what was a mess of a year for me romantically. I pretty much spent the latter half of it heartbroken. Let me amend that last statement. Not necessarily heartbroken, but whatever you call unironically listening to A LOT of Taylor Swift. As an aside, the words “Blank Space is my life,” are ones I don’t intend on ever repeating.

Basically, I’ve always been the girl that loves to hate love. I gravitate towards it, yet I reject it. I oftentimes find it vomit inducing, but count The Notebook as one of my favorite movies. I don’t think I’ll ever find it again, but I inadvertently keep searching for it anyhow. I just can’t make up my mind. And I’ve never been able to. I don’t think my feelings will evolve when I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser and a little bit less jaded.

Simply put, my thoughts on love, much like love itself, make absolutely no sense. Ask me about my personal life and I’m a cynic through and through. I’ll never find the right guy. I’m gonna end up alone. I might as well start the cat collection now. Yet, when it comes to the lives of others, I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve molded myself into an expert on the subject, spouting advice to female friends as if this whole “love” thing comes naturally to me. But in reality, I’ve only dated two guys in my 27 years. One was an 8-year relationship that encapsulated most of my 20s and the other can best be described as a 7-night stand. The most that each of these experiences had in common was that both guys worked at Publix. So when trying to form thoughts on love and romance, the most I can come up with is that it should not be looked for in the aisles of a grocery store.

Single and Not Quite So Ready to Mingle

Ugh, I’m tired. No, not like I haven’t gotten enough sleep tired. Or I just went too HAM on that workout tired. But tired of the constant questioning of my relationship status. Personally, I’m fine with it. And not in the way women usually mean it, like when they say “I’M FINE,” and you know you fucked up. But I’m genuinely fine with my lot in life. I’m single. It’s okay. Really, it is. I’ll find a way to move forward without a guy by my side. I PROMISE. But, the tedious stigma of being a single girl in your late 20s is really starting to get to me. Because shouldn’t I have it figured out by now? Am I so irrevocably broken that I can’t, for lack of a better phrase, land a man? The short and the long of it is… well… no. So, allow me to cry you a river for a moment.

There’s no magic formula to this dating thing. One friend tells me, “go out on more dates,” so I do. But those end more awkwardly than they begin. Another tells me “you need to get out more.” So, again… I do. And that’s just wholly unfulfilling and no quality prospects ever seem to emerge. Yet another tells me, “it’ll happen when you stop looking.” So, I tried that too. And that one seemed to have worked for a while. I stopped trying, I kept my thirst in check, and I thought “FINALLY, it’s happened to me!” But, that didn’t work out either. So for months I thought, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Is it me? Is my very essence a turn-off? Do I look like an absolute hobgoblin? It was slowly getting to the point where the next guy with a not-so-bad criminal record and a decent tan would be the one to sweep me off my feet. Or, at the very least, sweep me off my pity pedestal. I really didn’t mean to act so hopeless. I didn’t. And praise all my Santos that at least my Cuban mom wasn’t on that “when are you giving me grandkids?” tip. Now THAT would have sent me straight to the convent life.

So what magic realization did I come to after months of I’M DYING ALONE conversations? It’s that my approach was all types of butt ugly wrong. I started and ended every day putting my entire worth and value in finding another human being to call my very own. I put aside the great friends I have, the family that cares, the career that is just getting started, the ass that doesn’t quit and the most bangin’ of personalities. I was focusing on the one negative when there were a milli positives.

And with that I say, I’m done. At least for now. At least with finding anything of substance in Miami. And no, this isn’t going to devolve into a rant of HOW NO GOOD MEN EXIST IN MIAMI. Because, that’s simply not true. I’m not bitter nor have I given up on finding a forever mate. It just shouldn’t be a priority right now. Right now I need to focus on doing me… not you.

10 Movies That Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Romance

Growing up as a teenager in the late 90s/early 00s gave me debilitating expectations when it came to dating and love. As a 27-year-old woman that should know better, I still hold out hope. Lord help me.

10 Things I Hate About You

I’ve been patiently waiting since 1999 for a dude to pull a Heath Ledger and perform some grand romantic gesture to win my affection. Is a public proclamation of love so much to ask for? DAMN.

The Notebook

A guy that will risk his life on a Ferris Wheel, write me 365 letters, build me my dream house and stay with me through my impending Alzheimer’s? When will I finally understand that this guy, much like the limit, does not exist?

Can’t Hardly Wait

I always admired how Preston pined for and creeped on Amanda from a distance.  A guy that shows that much devotion in high school? Keeper.

Can't Hardly Wait

Ever After

Okay, Drew Barrymore’s God-awful accent aside, this movie was my mecca. It’s cheesy and overly saccharine but what girl doesn’t want her very own Cinderella story?

Ever After

Fear

Sans the murderous rampage and killing of the family dog, I was always oddly attracted to Mark Wahlberg’s character. A guy that will throw down for you, tattoo your name on his chest and take you to funky town while riding a rollercoaster? Yes, please.

Nicole  4 Eva

Clueless

God, Paul Rudd is an absolute peach in this one. Till this day he remains my blueprint for the perfect companion. A well educated, experienced, goofy dude that accepts me wholeheartedly. And since I’ve never had stepsiblings, that awkward situation will be avoided.

She’s All That

Fine, the whole reason the two main characters got together was because of some jank bet. And sure, Laney Boggs had to get a ridic makeover to capture Zack’s attention, but this was romantic gold to a 12-year-old me. All I wanted from that moment forth was a guy that knew his way around a hacky sack and could bust some moves to Fatboy Slim.

She's All That

A Walk To Remember

Nicholas Sparks sure knows how to write ‘em. Despite this movie giving me the worst second-hand embarrassment I’ve ever experienced, who can hate on a character like Landon? Not only does he help Jamie realize most of her bucket list items, he puts up with her collection of awful sweaters and ends up marrying her even though she has (spoiler alert) leukemia! I can barely get a guy to text me on a consistent basis, much less put a ring on it.

Never Been Kissed

No, I was never that dorky in high school. Yes, I was eventually kissed. But, nevertheless, I always related to Drew Barrymore’s Josie Grossie. I’m still waiting to run into my own personal Michael Vartan, I just hope I don’t have to impersonate a high school student to do so.

Drive Me Crazy

Portraying a hipster before they were even a thing, Adrian Grenier did a great job of stealing my heart thanks to his big ol’ green eyes and floppy mess of brown hair. I have never in my life had a neighbor this ridiculously adorable and probably never will.