- You’ve celebrated a major event by ruining your pots and pans (Heat Championship; Fidel Castro dying; those two times the Marlins won the World Series, etc.) And you know THE BEST spot to party is in front of La Carreta on Bird Road.
- You rep “The U” so damn hard, but you probably didn’t even go there.
- You spent most of your childhood perfecting your skating skills at Hot Wheels. You would later go there for all ages parties when you were 15 to perfect your sucia skills.
- You have five or more Flanigan’s cups chilling in your house.
- You know somebody that knows somebody that knows Pitbull.
- You’ve been to the “insane asylum” on Krome.
- You literally felt your heart break when D. Wade took his talents to Chicago.
- You’ve never felt more pure unadulterated joy when he returned to the 305.
- You’ve bought mamoncillos, churros, water, soda, gatorade, flowers or limes from a street vendor.
- You’ve tasted the sweet sweet nectar of Iron Beer, Jupiña and Materva.
- You never take out of town friends to party in the Grove because it’s deader than dead.
- You’ve felt such intense road rage that acting on it and going to jail wouldn’t even phase you. Our drivers don’t believe in turning signals, insurance or basic human decency.
- You’ve gotten lost in the maze that is Hialeah. And questioned every life choice you’ve made up until that point.
- You’ve experienced a seething hatred for the rocks that double as street signs in Coral Gables. Seriously, all of the streets are NAMES and then you put them on a rock… on the ground?!
- “Bro” and “dale” are part of your daily vocabulary (even if you don’t want them to be). Your ability to speak proper English is dwindling as a result.
- You have a mango or avocado trees in your backyard (or you know someone that does).
- You’ve gone to both Santa’s Enchanted Forest and the Youth Fair (and you’ve memorized the theme songs for each).
- Back in the day, you attended a birthday party at Don Carter’s (RIP) or Bird Bowl.
- You’ve spent at least one Saturday night watching Sabado Gigante. You’re still terrified of El Chacal and think Don Francisco is immortal.
- You’ve indulged in some tiki tiki music and made bad life choices at Club Space.
- You either love reggaeton or pretend that you hate it.
- You won’t admit it, but you’ve shopped at either ÑOOO! Que Barato or Valsan.
- You have a mild panic attack when another football team comes close to a perfect season because you don’t want the glory taken away from the ’72 Dolphins.
- You know better than to set foot on South Beach during Memorial Day Weekend or Spring Break.
- You’re fiercely loyal to the neighborhood you grew up in. (One time for Westchester!)
- You’ve at one point or another said, “I live where you vacation.” Even though you go to the beach like twice a year.
- You might’ve shed a tear at Tarpon Bend closing because Friday happy hour will never be the same again.
- Despite the face-eating zombies, bandwagon fans and the chongas, you love calling Miami home.
1. The mere site of a chancleta strikes fear into your heart.
2. You question people who aren’t ride or die for cortaditos and coladas.
3. Celia Cruz made the soundtrack to your childhood.
4. Breakfast isn’t real unless it involves a pastelito, croqueta or tostada.
5. Your mom is in a constant panic about the weather. “It’s raining over here. Is it raining where you are? Ten cuidado.”
6. You’ve mastered the art of Spanglish and speaking with your hands.
7. However, you haven’t gotten a handle on lowering your voice. You’re at a permanent level 10 and people have learned to deal.
8. You get excited about “¿Qué Pasa, U.S.A.?” reruns on PBS. And yes, it’s still an accurate depiction of Cuban living despite it being 30-plus years old.
9. Asando un puerco is your favorite part about the holidays.
10. You had tremendo Quinces. Bonus points if you perfected a rueda with your court.
11. You think guayaberas are perfectly fine attire for most (if not all) events.
12. Angels weep over your abuela’s flan.
13. You’re still not over Elian being sent back. It happened more than 10 years ago, but you simply can’t let it go.
14. People have gotten used to you being late. That, or they just lie about the ACTUAL time you’re supposed to show up.
15. Willy Chirino’s “Tu Cumpleaños” was played at every single birthday party you attended. And you wouldn’t have it any other way.
16. You know that merengue is not just a type of music.
17. You’ve shopped at Sedano’s or Presidente Supermarket.
18. You’re well versed in Jose Marti poetry. Zapaticos de Rosa and Cultivo una Rosa Blanca were totally your jam back in the day.
19. You get mildly offended when people confuse the Cuban and Puerto Rican flags.
20. You’ve actually spent time in Cuba and appreciate what you have, and more importantly, where you come from.