We all suffer from an addiction to SOMETHING. Alcohol, money, Katy Perry music videos, drugs, exercise, throwing shade, power, etc. But my personal affliction and those of many other gals is an addiction to “the D.” Akin to “putting the pussy on a pedestal,” our thirst for male companionship is oh-so real. So, I’ve adapted the popular 12 steps of addiction for all those aDICKted ladies.
1. Admit you are powerless over “the D.” Your thirst has become unmanageable, embarrassing and a detriment to living a shame-free life.
2. Come to believe that a “Power” greater than yourself (usually Oprah) can restore you to sanity and steer you to the land of eternal hydration.
3. Make a decision to turn your will and life over to the care of “God.” Or, you know, whatever deity you so choose. Again, the gospel of Oprah is here for you.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory. Otherwise known as going through your memory bank and thinking of all the times you shame spiraled after a sexual encounter gone bad.
5. Admit to yourself and to others (usually your poor friends that can’t find you at the bar because you went off chasing some random) the nature of your wrongs.
6. Be ready to remove this defect of character. Maybe don’t respond to that 2 a.m. DTF text message. Don’t pound Fireball shots when you’re emotionally fragile. Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
7. Humbly ask “Her” to remove your shortcomings. If Oprah attempted to fix Lindsay Lohan’s hot mess of a life, she can surely do the same for you, right?
8. Make a list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to amend them all. This includes all the friends you ditched to bang one out with your slam piece, all the dudes you never texted back and your gynecologist, who really shouldn’t have such a consistent patient.
9. Make direct amends to such people wherever possible. There is never a bad place to apologize for your parched behavior. Make like Nike and JUST DO IT.
10. Continue to take personal inventory and admit when you’re wrong. We all slip up. I mean, you might go back to your ex-hookup that knew how to put in work. Or you’ll mercilessly tease that guy friend you randomly slept with for not putting in enough. Just admit your wrongdoing(s).
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with “God.” Should prayer, meditation or marathoning The Oprah Winfrey Show not prove effective in curbing your addiction, masturbation might also work.
12. Carry this message to others that suffer from this affliction. Preach it loud. Preach it proud.